Although this was not my first time davening in shul on Rosh Hashanah, this year it was my first time as a Jewess. Long story short, my father was Jewish and raised me by himself while successfully concealing the fact that my mother was not Jewish. When I found out, after the devastation, I finally came around to conversion and am now halachically Jewish as per my Chareidi conversion.
It is unbelievable how much has changed since last year. This time last year I felt like the biggest nebach case in the world. I was not Jewish but all I wanted for the past 5 years was to be recognized as the Jewish girl I was raised to be, living alone, 24 and not married (now, if you are frum you know that this alone will raise whispers of "Nebach, poor girl..."), divorced, family-less (family-less?) oh and of course barely getting by on my 60 hour a week salary with no savings or health plan in sight. I'm sure I could even drag out more negativity (as I write I remember that I also was plagued by thoughts of suicide and unhappy about my chubby composition - and by chubby I mean a *gasp* size 12) about this time last year.
Now, everything has gone 360, it is amazing and I had almost lost hope that the present were possible. Now I am finally, Baruch Hashem, a Jewish woman, married and expecting. Absolutely amazing.
Things of course are never as simple as they seem and reading is easier than experiencing. I must add that while my husband knows everything about my past (or rather, the past of this body that used to belong to someone else before conversion) his family and the community we live in do not. For my own well being the Beis Din instructed me to not induldge others in the details of my past and to simply present myself as a baales tshuva. Which is simple and complicated at the same time.
I hope that this blog will help serve as an avenue for me to think "out-loud" and vent a bit (hopefully to an understanding audience) thereby improving my shalom bayis by not being so kvetchy at home.
Wishing everyone who reads this and klal Yisroel a Git Gebentched Yur!
~Shoshi
